Maddys computer

Maddy got a Mac for her birthday. Her Dad got it for her to share with her sister...yeah...sure. Her sister already has a laptop...it's just a Dell....but she is 14 and she doesn't have any interest in sharing with Maddy so....Mad lucked out. She LOVES her computer. She takes that thing everywhere she goes.

Nick and I were just watching some of her videos and SHE IS HILARIOUS! Oh my lordy we were laughing so hard. She and her cousin like to make videos when they are together. And let me say that 11-12 year old humor is ,in fact, so funny that it makes me wanna be that age again. I am not sure if we are raising a bunch of narcissists around here or not...but she has 213 pictures of herself making goofy faces. CRACKS ME UP.

Here is a photo that she took today.

self portraits

My Daddy is the best Grandpa in the whole world. Hands down. Just ask Stella. She adores him. All of my kids love my Daddy. (Yep I still call him Daddy) He truly enjoys these children of mine. Thank God. He comes every time I ask him for help. He seems truly glad to be able to help. Never seems irritated or stressed about watching my kids. Always does fun and exciting activities with them. He is the best. I love him a lot. One of these days I am going to have to tell him how great I think he is.

Now I have to back track here and tell you that I have always loved loved loved my Daddy. And all was great for the majority of my life. We got along great most of the time. And then I got divorced. He was not happy about that at all. I also got pregnant 3 mos before my divorce was final. He did not like that AT ALL. He literally did not come around much for a couple of years. He would go to see my kids when my exhusband had them on the weekends. He pretty much avoided me completely for a while...about 2 whole years I think. The night I went into labor with Stella, the out of wedlock baby, I called on Daddy to come and stay here with my older three while they slept because I went to the hospital close to midnight. He came right away. He came to see me in the hospital and he held the baby after a couple of weeks. Pretty normal for my Dad. It wasn't until Stella was old enough to really respond to him that things started to change. I think that's when the Divine Intervention started.

Stella fell in love with my Daddy. Love Love Love. She started running to him and holding her chubby little hands up. She would go bouncing over to him with her little curls just a bouncin saying "Up! Up!" Not a man (or woman) alive could resist that preciousness. She is really very cautious too. She doesn't just go to anybody...has to be someone pretty dang special. So...fairly quickly...he caved. He fell in love with her too. So he started being nicer to me. Started coming around more often. Started watching what a good daddy Nick is and even started talking to him. He actually even seems to like him now.

That little girl saved a relationship that was almost destroyed. I can't imagine a life without my Daddy. I think he would have come around eventually but you never know.

It still hurts my feelings to think back to when he was so disappointed in me. Many times I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to say..."You mean all it takes to ruin 36 years of a great father/daughter relationship is a damn divorce?? Are you kidding me???" I think that he must have thought I had an affair. Lots of people probably thought that. But hell, what if I HAD had an affair? Is that reason enough to end a relationship with your child? I can't imagine that. But who knows. I guess every situation is different and you can't possibly know what you would do until your in a similar situation yourself. I have thought about telling him that I didn't need the scarlet letter...so it would ease his mind. But I guess if he ever wants to know, he will ask.

Until then, I am just happy that we are on the mend. And that he is back to being the best Grandpa in the universe.

DanielSun

I have written before about the power of prayer and/or meditation. I think that I may have helped saved my nephew's life one night. (OK that may not be the case but something powerful happened) He was in a rehab center about an hour away (his 3rd time in rehab i think) and I decided I needed to meditate and "ground" him. I did this whole visualization meditation where I placed a rope of light down his spine. I started at the top of his head, worked my way down his spine and eventually planted him firmly on the ground. I was sort of playing around with the idea of meditating for and about someone else. I started the meditation before I fell asleep but I was so tired that I only got through about half of his body before I fell asleep. I then woke up around 4:30 0r 5am and freaked out because I realized I hadn't finished grounding him. I sort of thought it was silly but I coudn't go back to sleep until I finished. So I got the rope of light all the way through his body planted it into the ground.

The next day my sister called and told me that Daniel had left the rehab facility around 10 or so the night before. (same night i did my grounding) He sort of felt like he was losing it and had to get out of there. He had nowhere to go and no one to pick him up so he just left on foot and walked all night. He finally somehow had a meltdown of sorts and called his dad for help. He asked to be taken back to rehab...he'd had a moment of clarity and wanted to try again.

This may not sound like that big of a deal...but to me it was huge. I still feel like I connected with him somehow that night. I really believe that I put some kind of positive energy out there for him. When my sister told me about his experiences that night, I just cried and cried. I didn't know it at the time, but something inside of me knew that he needed some help at that particular moment.

I still really believe that when we are truly present, we can hear and feel all kinds of things that we normally miss.

Our boy is leaving Monday for a treatment center in Thailand. I pray that he is able to find that same type of presence...the strength, the courage, to fight the beast he has to live with every day. He really is a beautiful boy with a peaceful soul and some light that needs to shine.

Better than Chocolate...

I will tell you what's better than eating chocolate...watching your kids dive into some chocolate fondue. I bought a block of milk chocolate for Valentine's Day but because we had to take Hailey to Raleigh that weekend, I just didn't get around to making the fondue until a few days ago. The kids were so excited!!! The liked strawberries the best but before it was all over, they were sticking every food they could find in that stuff. It was just that good.

After our chocolate buzz had worn off and I was putting kids to bed, Finn asked me to sing to him. He hasn't asked me that in a couple of years! He wanted me to remind him of the song I used to sing to them when they were really little. He said, "What's that song about the ice cream and the chocolate??" The song that he was requesting is a Sarah Mclachlan song called Ice Cream.

The song will forever remind me of my little toddler children. Here are the words:

Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I've tried.
Your love is better than ice cream
Everyone here knows how to cry.
But it's a long way down,
It's a long way down to the place where we started from.

Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I've tried.
Your love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to fly.
Cause it's a long way down,
It's a long way down to the place where we started from.

Chapel Hill Treats

A couple of weeks ago we went to Chapel Hill to see my sister. Hailey had a meet in Raleigh so we stopped in CH for a bit. Jill surprised me with these yummy, delicious treats!!! One of the chocolates was even hand painted. The flavors were really cool too. Sea salt and caramel, pear, milk chocolate with lavender, chocolate covered cherry, and white chocolate...YUM!!!








Another great part of the trip was Margaret's masterpiece. She built this extremely elaborate Lego dollhouse with layers of coolness. I could not believe the amount of time and patience this 10 year old (just turned 10 I might add) put into this project. UNBELIEVABLY COOL.

Boy was interrupted!

Poor Boy was fighting off this tummy bug pretty well...or so we thought. He started having some trouble last Wednesday when he woke up and threw up. He perked up and seemed fine the next day. A day or so later, he threw up again. Next day seemed fine...went to school...all was ok. Then he started having mild diarrhea over the weekend. Monday he woke up early and threw up AND had diarrhea...only this time...it didn't stop. By late afternoon he was seeing double and had to be carried to the bathroom. I took him to the doctor at 4:30 and by 5:30 we were already checked in to a room in the hospital. He had to stay there for two nights. He was dehydrated and would NOT eat. He was a sick sick little guy. He didn't much care for the iv they stuck in his little hand. HATED it in fact. But he hung in there and took his meds without complaining too much. The doctors there were awesome. There was a whole Grey's Anatomy looking swat team looking after him and they were all gorgeous...just like on tv!! He was very well taken care of. When we got home today, he received an envelope from his class. Each child made a card for him. He was really happy about that.

As for me...I am just glad it's over and I am glad we are all home.

Oriental Lilies

Here is one of my Valentine's Day presents. Nicholas is a very thoughtful gift giver. He LOVES giving gifts. I tried to tell him many, many times not to get me anything big for VD so I was excited when the flowers arrived at work on Wednesday. I thought the flowers meant he wouldn't be going overboard with a Tiffany gift this year. Now I absolutely LOVE Tiffany's jewels. I realize it is completely ridiculous and totally over priced...but I LOVE the crap outta those little blue boxes. I was totally fine to just get the flowers. In the end, however, he gave me two Twilight books (3 and 4), a tiny box of chocolate...and a little blue box. SHEEESH. Flowers, candy, books and jewelry. It kinda overwhelms me. It's not that I don't appreciate it but sometimes too many gifts, or a big expensive gift, can make me feel a little uncomfortable. And knowing he spent too much makes me feel guilty and gluttonous....like I just ate a whole cake by myself or something. Then there is the fact that I didn't spend nearly as much on him. Cause I CAN'T afford it that's why!! AND NEITHER CAN HE. Oh well. I do love my bracelet. Now let's just hope we can afford groceries all month!!!!

Which tarot card are you???

You are The Sun

Happiness, Content, Joy.

The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consistent.

Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way.

The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Nesting

I am not exactly sure what is going on in my head these days. I am acutely aware of the fact that whatever this is...will evolve into something...just not sure what. My intuition is acting a bit like a tracking device gone bonkers. I keep getting these weird feelings about "things" and then I will obsess about potential outcomes. I need to use that inner tracking device to find some inner peace because right now all I seem to feel is STRESS.

I sort of got lost in a store the other day. I went in for some "shop therapy". I didn't really want to buy anything I just wanted to clear my head and have time to NOT think. I wanted to browse and search through stuff to see if I could find anything that I desperately wanted or HAD to have. All the while telling myself not to think too much...just be impulsive. (I used to have to stay OUT of stores for this very reason.) It worked out well! After wandering around aimlessly for a very long time, I found some china that I LOVE! I have loved this china for a while so I was able to ease the old woman in me by telling her that it wasn't really ALL that impulsive. Anyway, they had a whole pile of them so I bought 8 dinner plates and 8 salad plates.

As soon as I left the store my buyers/spenders remorse kicked in and I stressed the whole way home. I let it go shortly after I got them on the table though.

Soon after my little spending spree I started to try to put all of my recent feelings/dilemmas/ intuitive responses together to try and figure out the common denominator. The only thing I came up with is my strong urge to "nest" right now.

I want everyone at home...all together safe and happy. I keep envisioning all of us at home, eating together, talking and laughing. I keep having thoughts of another baby...lord knows I don't need one of those. My kids are growing up too fast and I want to spend more time with them. I am turning 40 this year and I swear I feel like the Grimm Reaper is starting to call for me. I feel sort of midlife cisisish. I don't want to work full time because I really have no choice and you KNOW how green and lush the grass is over there!!! AND these beautiful days have given me an awful case of Spring Fever. All of that translates into a pile of panic. And the need to be with close friends and family.

To get through all of this stress, I am going to indulge my need to nest. I am going to try to cook...yes after work...and keep the house clean...in spite of work...and take care of my babes whether they are all home or not. I am going to use my new dishes and light candles and wash them without complaining. I am going to wash 9000 loads of clothes each night and fold them after the kids are asleep...without a single grimace. And I am seriously going to try and enjoy every "free" moment I stumble across.

Coach Tom

My kids play sports for the Y. At least while they are the learning their sport of choice anyway. In our experiences, we have had some GREAT coaches, some OK coaches and a coach or two that was barely adequate.
Finn has had the BEST coaches so far. He just finished his second season of basketball...ever....and we thought his coach was great. I had just told my Mom that I thought he was really good, really understood the kids, and seemed to really care about TEACHING the kids how to play. Then we got an email from him. And I knew I was right. SOO sweet. Here is what he had to say about the team...and of course...my boy.


Max-Always competitive, quiet and confident. He always did exactly what I
asked. He will be a great player.

Grant-Thanked me after every practice and every game. He came so far Julie,
you should really be proud of him.

John Thomas-Made me laugh with his questions. Half way through the season
when I said "Are there any questions?" he asked "How many more games are
there." By the end of the year he was shooting, dribbling more and really
got into the game. He is a great kid.

Finn-- Small in stature but a huge heart. He played great defense, cheered
on all of his teammates and ALWAYS had a smile on his face. He was a
pleasure to have every week.

Charlie-Made me laugh. ENERGY! He was why we started the practices getting
"our wiggles out" by running. He really played well. I hope he sticks with
it. I think he has great potential. Thank you to both of his parents for
the kind words and support.

Luke-Timid at first but wasn't afraid to shoot at the end of the season. He
played great defense and always smiling.

Bryan-My boy! I love you buddy. I know it isn't always easy being the
coaches son but you were great, played great, and I was very proud of you.

Will-I have never seen a child so anxious to play. Always ready to bring
the ball down the floor. And for all of his hard work-SCORED IN OUR LAST
GAME. I am proud of you for working so hard and improving.

Spencer-Great kid! He really improved and I could always count on him to be
listening when nobody else was. He was so close to scoring in the last
game. I know, if he comes back, he will score next season. Thank you to
his father for his continued support and for working so hard with him. You
were great.

Baylor-Man what an improvement! He was so good the last couple of games. I
struggled to know if he was having fun during the games but he always seemed
happy after. He is a great kid.

Thank you all again for sharing your kids and your time.

I hope to see you all around the other fields and back on the courts.

Coach Tom

I could get really emotional about this if I let myself. I really appreciate anyone taking the time to get to know my kids. It's especially nice when they focus on the positives! Made me remember just how important it is to TEACH. Because i believe that a really good teacher acts a lot like a really good coach.

As youth departs...

As I think I have said before, I am having a hard time with Hailey growing up. I do not really understand why it's hitting me NOW but it surely is. I guess because she is entering an age and stage that throws me deep in the middle of uncharted territory. I am used to being around children all the time. I know all about ages and stages to age 12. Now that she has moved well past 12, I feel a little lost in the labyrinth that is my daughter.

She had to go out of town this weekend. I had been avoiding the trip until Friday morning when I had to get her up and ready to go meet the bus. I was running around frantically trying to make my lists and check them twice. I started spouting out suggestions...things she might need. She was nice and polite and told me a couple of times, "Yeah Mom. I got it." I finally ran down to her room to grab something and what I saw there almost brought me to tears. I had to fight the urge to sit on her bed and sob uncontrollably!

She had her bags packed in a way that would make a neat freak proud. She had beautiful little piles of all the things she needed. As I glanced around, I noticed that she too had made a list and she too had started checking things off. Only she had made her list WAY before I made mine. She, unlike me, was so excited for the trip that she couldn't wait to pack. I am sure she had been packing in her mind for DAYS before she actually started her list.

Why didn't I know that she would be so well organized? Why did it surprise me so?? I'll tell ya. Because I just don't think I want my little girl to grow up. I want her to need me. I want her to ask me how to do things. I want her to ask for my opinion.
But I also want her to be independent. And strong. And organized. And happy about trips that do not include her Mom. I don't want her to grow up... snif... But she is doing it anyway, without my permission, and she is doing it beautifully.

25 Things. Damn FB.

I thought and thought about what to include in this stupid "25 Things" on the Crack Book. I would write something, delete it, write something else...think about it... I finally decided to just write whatever popped into my head. Don't you know I have been stressing out about it since I posted it?? I mean, who really cares. These are just people that I haven't seen in 20 years that I totally want to impress by letting them know how great I've turned out. HAAA. Anyway, here is what I came up with. I would really like to have a "do over" so I may write a new one for my blog. Until then, here is the CB one.

1. When I was in 4th grade I knew that I wanted to be a teacher.
2. When I was in college I had to write out my "life plan" and choose a "commitment" to write down and share. I wrote that I would dedicate my life to the education of young children. I also shared that I really wanted to have at least 4 kids.
3. I have 4 kids and I am still teaching young children.
4. I took a break from teaching and was a stay at home mom for 6 years.
5. Even though I am almost 40 years old, I still feel like a child around my Daddy.
6. I don't really believe in divorce, and I'm divorced.
7. I am convinced that I have been on this earth before and that I was an African American woman...possibly a slave... who was subject to much racism. Not kidding.
8. Teaching wears me out.
9. I keep going back to teaching not because I feel I have soo much to teach, but because I have so much to learn from these little angels that grace me with their presence every day.
10. I love photography. Love love love it.
11. I hope to be a full time photographer one of these days.
12. I worry a lot about what being a full time photographer will do to my commitment...you know... about teaching young children.
13. My Honey is 13 years younger than I am and I am still trying to be okay with that.
14. Often I think that young Honey of mine is a better parent that I am...okay maybe not OFTEN but sometimes.
15. I get along really well with my ex husband. He hangs out with us a lot and I am convinced that is really good for our kids.
16. I still worry all the time about how divorce will affect my kids when they are in relationships of their own. Mostly because I am a child of divorce and I'm divorced.
17. I don't like cold weather at all. I try to enjoy the brisk, clean, air...but If I appear to be enjoying it, I am probably faking it.
18. My Dad worked for Eastern Airlines for many years and I got to travel a lot when I was little.
19. I can't stand not being able to travel much anymore...I desperately want my kids to be able to see the world.
20. I wonder all the time What Jesus Would Actually Do and I really don't believe he would be NEARLY as judgmental as most of us here on earth tend to be.
21. I have been a vegetarian for about 9 months now and I don't think I will ever eat meat again. I am hoping to go vegan one day.
22. I love to eat out. LOVE IT.
23. I still feel really sad when my kids leave to go to their Dad's house and I still get really happy when they come home.(I may be ready to ship them off again after a few hours...but I love it when they come home.
24. When I argue with my kids, it upsets me WAY worse than it does them even though I don't show it.
25. I really dread turning 40 this year but If I had the choice to go back to age 20....I wouldn't do it. I am sooo much happier now.

Happy Birthday Hailey!