HeavyHeart

I have been trying to decide if I want to write about this. I am sort of tired of talking about it. But if it can help in some way...I think it's worth the tears it will take to get it all out.

I have known since conception that something was different about this pregnancy. I have been pregnant many times. 4 children and a miscarriage have given me some good solid experience on which to base my opinions on fertility and growth within. From the beginning...something felt different to me. Not physically. Mentally and intuitively.

I didn't really want to go to the doctor this time. Every other time, I have jumped at the chance to get in there and hear that things were normal. This time, I put if off until I was almost finished with my first trimester.

I've been sick a lot this time. Not nauseated. Flu-like sick. Sore and tired and headachey.
I finally went to the doctor last week and I have been in an emotional vortex ever since. I had the first ultrasound on Wednesday of last week. The technician didn't mention anything but Nick and I both got weird feelings. I thought the baby looked a little different and didn't move as fluidly as my other babies. Nick felt the technician was way too quiet. Crackle-in-the-air quiet.

I got a call on Thursday that the doctor had some concerns. I was sent for a Level II US and a CVS. (basically an early Amnio)

I have been told that this sweet little baby is probably not OK. I have only about a 25% chance of delivering a "normal" baby. There is a 75% chance that the baby has a genetic disorder like Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18. If the genetic tests come back showing no genetic disorders, my odds change to 50% chance of a major heart condition.

The baby has a large collection of fluid behind the neck and around the brain.

I cannot begin to tell you how quickly my emotions shift gears. Some moments I feel hopeful and happy and other moments are filled with sadness and despair. More than anything, I feel a HUGE amount of helplessness. There is nothing I can do right now...but wait.

Lovin the Sullivans AND PhotoShop!!

I got the pleasure of shooting a new family last week! Here are some of the images....still working on lots! OH MY GOD...I LOVE PHOTOSHOP. Not sure how I've lived so long without it. I love how much I am learning about photography...still...after years of taking classes, etc. I can't wait for the day when I can proudly say, "I'm a photographer" without feeling like a fake...or like I'm not good enough. I'm starting to get more confidence. (and photoshop is seriously helping!!)

UPDATE

We took Stella to the ENT last week and we found out....nothing. We are going to go back in three weeks and have her ears checked again. She does have fluid in her ears. The doctor seemed to think it wasn't really ear related though. They are thinking it may just be a rare of case of childhood vertigo. He said her symptoms seems too long and exaggerated to be an inner ear balance thing. YUCK. So for now, we wait. We monitor dizzy spells. If they continue, we will end up seeing a neurologist. For now, I am going to hope it's related to the fluid in her ears.

Estella lately...

We have been a little worried about Stella lately. She has had several episodes of dizziness. She will seem fine and then all of the sudden, she starts falling down a lot and can't balance. Once she even threw up. The doctors seem to think it's an inner ear problem so we are going to see and ENT tomorrow. She may have to have an MRI.

Most of the time I feel very positive about finding out what's causing it. Most of the time, I feel sure that it IS and inner ear thing that will be treatable.

Other times....I'm scared to death.

Please keep us in your warm and fuzzy thoughts.

Fighting Negativity!!

I just watched a video on curiousgirl's page. It made me remember to have some faith in myself. I have to remember that I have met many challenges in my life. And NONE of them have destroyed me yet! I can do this. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS. DAMMIT. Because I want to.
Bring it on!!

(and look at all of those tough guys who support me!! no way i can't succeed.)

I'm just waiting...waiting for summer to come and slow things down a bit!!!

No Words Necessary

No words. Just a deep cleansing breath and a heavy exhale.

Super Heroes Among Us...

There are heroes out there, you know? Some of them wear uniforms. Some of them don't. Some of these heroes among us have been around for years...learning, sharing, teaching their wisdoms of truth to those who really listen.

But there are also heroes out there who have NO clear understanding of the powers they possess.

And four of those evil fighters live in my house.

#1 has the power to listen to silence. She has peace in her heart and love in her soul. She is courageous and caring and nurturing. She is a true humanitarian. She has the power to learn new things quickly. (and she shares these bits of knowledge with her mother :) She speaks the Universal language fluently and to call her an old soul only scratches her surface. She has the power to really listen to her soul when it speaks. She is incredibly loyal.

#2 has learned the power of honesty. After having studied the difference between fiction and non, she has grown into one of the most honest people I have ever met. She is incredibly intuitive and has the ability to get to the bottom of any situation. She has the power to attract people like a magnet and she somehow uses her diplomatic style to smooth over sticky, tricky situations.

#3 has overcome his small size with his huge spirit! He is kind and considerate and sensitive. He can take things apart and rebuild them with grace. He has the power to transform himself into a larger-than-life, modern day super hero by constantly inventing new stories about saving people. He is not only an artistic story teller, he is also a fantastic conversationalist. He has the power to speak wayyy faster than any human can listen. BUT no one can resist his stories...because when he speaks slowly and you really listen...he can teach your heart to fly.

#4 is still growing her wings. She is curious and happy and eager to learn. She knows exactly when to back down and right when to stand up for herself. She is full of love for the large family around her and she carries that love wherever she goes. She has the power to state what she is feeling RIGHT when she is feeling it. She expresses herself beautifully and compassionately. Her talents are young and fresh but she is surely a superhero prodigy.

I am so thankful I have been able to hang out with my children this week. Spring break couldn't have been any better for me. I got to become reacquainted with my sweet little everyday super heroes.

SHINE ON LITTLE STARS.

(How many super heroes do you know?? I think my Daddy is the original Superman...but that's a story for another day.)

Happy Easter!! And TGISpring Break!!!

JUST FOR FUN

I saw this cool blog and decided to play along with her If I Were....JUST FOR FUN.

if i were a month, i would be may…i'd blow soft evening breezes and listen for the sounds of laughter calling for summer,
if i were a day i’d be saturday. lazy and productive all at the same time,
if i were a time of day i’d be sunrise… full of possibilities and hopeful beginnings,
if i were a font i’d be fancy and curly q,
if i were a sea animal i’d be a sea turtle…old and wise, calm and beautiful,
if i were a direction i’d be south. always heading somewhere warm,
if i were a piece of furniture i’d be a big comfy couch,
if i were a liquid i’d be water…feeding, soothing, nurturing,
if i were a gemstone i’d be a diamond…strong, vibrant, and clear headed,
if i were a tree i’d shoot straight through the canopy of the rain forest,
if i were a flower i’d be a bright orange poppy,
if i were an element of weather i’d be a lovely ocean breeze,
if i were a musical instrument i’d be a flute,
if i were a color i’d HAVE to be a fantastic shade of green,
if i were an emotion i’d be love and compassion,
if i were a fruit i’d be a sweet juicy watermelon,
if i were a sound i’d be the sweet, soft tinkle of a wind chime,
if i were an element i’d choose to be an element of art and I’d be color,
if i were a car i’d be a cute little convertible
if i were a food i’d be a yummy soul food side dish like mac and cheese, green beans, or mashed taters
if i were a place i’d be an island in the carribean ,
if i were a taste i’d be caramel,
if i were a scent i’d be soft and subtle and clean like fresh pressed linen,
if i were a body part i’d be the kind of eyes that see into your soul,
if i were a song i’d be New York Nights and Paris Mornings by Corrine Bailey Rae,
if i were a bird i’d be an owl…soft, silent, quick
if i were a city i’d be Savannah, Georgia,
if i were a door i’d be open and i would lead out onto an old southern veranda,
if i were a pair of shoes i’d be flip flops…probably rainbows,
if i were a poem I would be Wild Horse by Jewel

Spring. Love,Grow, and Heal.

I love spring. VERY VERY MUCH. I always feel hopeful and warm and my spirits start to lift as I begin to put dreams into a more realistic composition. Spring is productive for me. I come out of hibernation with a new plan of attack for work, home, life.

As winter melted away this year, Nick and I decided to walk through some long overdue issues. Most of which had to do with my fears of him leaving me for someone younger. It's taken 4.5 years of his trust, devotion and loyalty to make me realize he might actually be happy living here with me and all of my children. (deep rooted issues here I tell you...)

Nick is a very interesting guy. He is the first (and only) person I've ever met that really knows how to listen to children. I mean REALLY listen when they aren't even speaking. He is extremely intuitive, highly sensitive, and very spiritually motivated. I have been sort of in awe of him at times and that feels weird to me. He's younger than I am. I'm supposed to be older and wiser! I think I've been jealous of him on more than one occasion.

The truth is...we are a very good balance. If you look at us from an astrological stand point, I was born in an early life cycle and he was born in a later life cycle. Which means we are really about the same age...according to the stars anyway! At least that's how I like to look at it! After realizing that I was letting age be too much of an issue, we decided to talk about commitment.

SO we had to hash things out honestly, lay all feeling right out there on the table...and figure out what to do with our future. We decided that since we are both completely committed to our family, and totally loving each other...we should probably get married one of these days. (I actually want to get married again. OMG.)

All of this spring cleaning left us feeling so light weight and carefree that guess what???

We got pregnant.

My 4o year old body is going to have another baby. And I think I'm very excited about that.

Tree Fort Solitude

I went outside the other day and I saw Finn...sitting in a tree...reading a book.

I totally get the feeling. I have needed a little time and space to myself lately too.

(notice the bow and arrow hanging right beside him...you know...just in case there are invaders.)

Will and Lexi!!!!

I'm getting very excited about photography again! A dear, old friend asked me to do a photo shoot with her son and his cousin. I'm SO glad I did!! These two were soo much fun. They made me feel happy and young and free to be me! Thank you guys... for lighting a new spark!

Home Sweet Home

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.

Maya Angelou

We went out of town this weekend, as we have many times, for a gymnastics meet. We enjoyed the travel, we enjoyed the hotel, and we enjoyed the gymnastics. But MAN was I glad to get home.

As we were driving and getting closer and closer to home, Nick kept counting down the miles like a little kid. He got so excited when we got to the North Carolina state line. It made me think about traveling when I was little.

We used to travel a lot when I was a little, little girl. My Daddy worked for Eastern Airlines "back in the day" and we got to fly for free. We got to go to all kinds of cool places and spend lots of time in airports, hotels and even rental cars. As much as I loved our adventures, there was nothing I loved more than heading home and seeing our little skyline come into view. I loved watching the buildings become larger and larger. I loved watching the earth closely until the bugs became cars and the tiny cracks became highways.

I remember a few trips with long layovers and long flights...and how good it felt to get OFF of that plane, feel the solid ground and smell the air outside. I even threatened to kiss the ground a few times...just like I had seen the Pope do on occasion.

I felt kind of like that again today. So glad to get outta that car, so glad to be able to move around, so happy to go in and lie in my bed.

HOME. SWEET. HOME.