Hope

These little sprouts seem so hopeful I just had to take their picture. Good luck guys! I hope to see your little yellow faces one day soon!!

Happy Birthday Maddy!!

I think this was Maddy's best birthday ever!!

When Maddy got to school today her friends were waiting for her beside this big, tall rock with a latte from Starbucks. I don't ever remember 12 being that much fun!! She was so happy and so excited ALL day long.

Maddy is an extremely social child. I have mentioned this many times before. Sometimes it makes me worry. She loves to talk on the phone and chat on the computer and have sleepovers and go to school football/basketball/soccer games. Sometimes the kid wears me OUT. Sometimes I feel sad because I don't get to see her enough. Lately, we have both been good about making time for each other. For her birthday, I took half a day off so that I could pick her up from school and take her to lunch. Just the two of us. She was sooo happy! We had the best time.

After school was out she let me take her back to school to take pictures of her birthday rocks.



Maddy seems to be one of those kids with a halo of light around her. Lots of people love her and want to be around her. She has an infectious laugh and an adorable smile. She can seriously work the basketball court and dominate a soccer field. The kid has talents I would have killed for at her age! And the whole family remembers how brave and precious she was when she was the first and only girl to play flag football for our Y branch a few years ago. And how the men (other coaches) used to yell at their team, "WATCH THE GIRL!!! WATCH THE GIRL!!" cause if that girl of mine got the ball...there was no stopping her.

Sometimes I look at her and I think, "how did i get her?? where did she come from???"
I love that little girl so much!! I am so glad she had such a great birthday! I still can't believe she's 12!! But I sure do look forward to her future!!

Happy Birthday Lovebug!!

What I believe right now...

I have been avoiding new posts because I have been waiting for some shiny, glittery moments of "ah ha!" brought on by my new word. My word and the positive attitude that will surely wash over me... and take hold of my life... at any. given. moment.

STILL WAITING.

I am a mess of January blues with a side of PMS and I do not like being with me right now. I do BELIEVE that this too will pass. Yes, I do. I am just really afraid it will pass with the winter season. And I guarantee you that damn groundhog will see his stupid shadow causing us to have 6 extra weeks of winter. Hahaha. OK. Sense of humor still in tact. I made myself laugh at how ridiculous that sounded. Hahaa.

Here's the thing...BOTH of my older girls are growing up and they are breaking my heart in the process. Not that it's their fault. It's life. But it scares me silly and hurts my feelings. Hailey will be 15 on Feb. 1st. DID YOU HEAR THAT??? 15. How in the hell can I be old enough to have a 15 year old?
Maddy will be 12 on January 29th. That KILLS me too. Because my Maddy is so very social that her friends are quickly becoming her family BECAUSE THEY SEE HER MORE THAN I DO.

I remember my mother saying that she wanted to bottle them when they were 2 or 3. Now I know why. It goes by too quickly and you just can't get it back. And while I also BELIEVE in all of the beauty that comes with growing up and becoming more independent, I feel the need to mourn the loss of my babies as well. I BELIEVE that I will find a way to give them the space they need AND spend good quality time with them...but right now, I just want to turn the tables and I want to follow THEM around the house and call their names 100 times. I want to follow THEM to the bathroom and look irritated when they tell me they want privacy. I want to ask THEM a million questions about life...because I'm afraid...before long...they won't need me like that anymore. And that hurts my heart a whole lot.

So for now, I'm going to pout a little. And I guess it will get better eventually.

My word for 2010....

After a long list and much consideration....my word for 2010 is.........BELIEVE. Yep. Believe. I thought about so many words that I could use. I tried to picture myself saying the word over in over in a plethora of situations and this is the word that just seemed to fit.

My relationship with this word started a long time ago when I fell in love with the Gavin DeGraw song, Belief. "Belief makes things real...Belief makes things true... " That song really pulled on my heart strings because it came at a time when my marriage was falling apart and I believed with all of my heart that it was over...and guess what??? It was. Belief makes things true.

I reconnected with this word several months ago when my daughter and I had a tete-a-tete with her gymnastics coach. Her coach was describing her theory on life and one of the things she said really made sense to Hailey and to me. Perception is reality. I thought about that a lot. It's so true! Belief makes things real and your perception is definitely your reality. That's a really powerful thing when you think about it. Because guess what?! You can control your perception and your beliefs. For real. It's really hard sometimes...but it can be done.





Shortly after our meeting with her coach, I found this sign (at Pier 1) for Hailey's bedroom. She loves it! It now hangs above her head each night as she drifts off to sleep on a pillow that states..."When you dream...dream BIG!" I tell her over and over IMPOSSIBLE=NOTHING (another stolen line from her coach) because I really want her to believe that for herself. I want more than anything for that thought to live in the hearts of my children.

Then it dawned on me. I need to believe a few positive things myself. I think I need to really focus on adjusting my personal beliefs so that what I choose to make real is good for me. Here is what I choose to believe this year...

I believe I have the ability to make myself happy.
I believe I have many talents.
I believe I still have the power to make my own personal dreams come true...even at age 40.
I believe I will find a way to solve problems as they arise.
I believe in myself and TRUST (a close runner-up word) my instincts.
I believe every little thing...is gonna be all right. (Thank you BobMarley. I love you.)
I believe I am a child of this universe and that I deserve to be here...creating my own little legacy that will live on and on through the lives of my children and their children and....so on.
I believe in the power of love. (NOT MONEY....LOVE) And I believe I am loved unconditionally.

And I also believe IMPOSSIBLE = NOTHING.

What will you choose to believe this year?

HAPPY 2010 BLOGVILLE!! I can't wait to see what happens next!!!

Blue Moon

There are many folktales about the moon. One of my favorite moon stories states that a Blue Moon is a magic moon. The moon comes to life on the night of the Blue Moon! Once alive, it has the power to communicate. The Blue Moon can speak to all who stand in it's light.

I am in North Carolina in the middle of a cold, yucky rain cloud. Not even an inch of blue sky seeping through the think layer of gray. IF that gray mass should break apart... and if I find a way to see that Blue Moon...here's what I will tell her:

Hello there lovely lady. You and I go way back. I have seen you control the ocean tides and I have felt you pull and tug on my emotions in that same special way. Thank you for your timing and consistency. Thank you for your gentle light. Thank you for snuggling up with that American flag that's been with you since the summer I was born. Thank you for captivating me with your magic and mystery. Thank you for inspiring so many to use you creatively. Thank you for sticking around...even though we go days without seeing each other. I admire you so...the way you use all of your talents to make your own mark on our universe while playing ever so nicely with the sun. May I learn to be a little more like you in the future!! Good night Moon! And...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

I'm ready...

Tree is out on the curb. Waiting. Just like I am. Waiting for the new year to pick me up and take me somewhere. Not sure where yet...but somewhere different. Changes are coming. I can feel it.

One Word.

I haven't been writing much lately. As I have explained before, the time of year can be very difficult for me. I have a hard time staying focused and/or organized and I seem to lose all creative sparks. I have been blog surfing like crazy to try and ignite some small little flame to get things moving again.
Once again, the land of blog has given me a little hope. I haven't been very creative with the photography lately so I have been checking shuttersisters daily (along with many other photog favorites). Today's entry got me thinking again. Today's entry is about putting your focus on one new area/idea for the year. Today's entry led me to this wonderful article about choosing ONE word to focus on for the upcoming new year.

ONE WORD.

That really got me thinking. IF I were to choose ONE word to remember as I walk through all areas of 2010, what word would I choose? I could choose from the obvious...PEACE, LOVE OR HAPPINESS...but what one word would I really be able to think about, meditate on, and actually use in my day to day life. One word to remember when things are happy AND when things are sad??

I will continue to think about my one word. I will choose and post on Jan. 1st. If you could choose just one word to focus on in 2010...what would your word be?

Consuming the LIGHT!!!

Sometimes the light looks so inviting, so yummy, so tempting...you try to catch it any way you can!!
Namaste my friends. Let your light shine this season!

Commitment

I am pretty sure I have a serious fear of long term commitments. Unfortunately it's taken me 40 years and a failed marriage to figure that out. I started thinking about it a couple of years ago when I was participating in a book club of sorts. The group developed when conversations were sparked by A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. During that time, I began some serious introspective research and I feel fairly certain that I only scratched the surface. One of the most interesting discoveries I made on that journey had to do with my fear of commitment.

It makes me laugh a little because it seems so cliche to say, "I have a fear of commitment." It sounds like it should fall from the mouth of a single male...in his 20's...and not from the lips of a 40 year old woman with 4 children.

When I go back to my childhood, I remember so many talents that longed to be developed. I was a gymnast, an ice skater, a dancer and even a cheerleader. I made good grades and was usually a "teacher's pet" type. I had many interests and excelled academically. At least that's how it looked on the outside. I tried many things and quit many things....as soon as they became more challenging that I expected. When so many things come easily, you get used to it. You get used to the praise, "Good job!" or "This seems so easy for you!" "You are so lucky you can do that!" I got so used to it in fact, that I couldn't stand the idea of NOT hearing it. So when my gymnastics coach went from saying, "I have got a real bars girl here!" to "We are going to have to really push you to be ready on vault" I got the hell outta there. Fast. What?? Really work on something? Me? This is not supposed to be hard work. Everything is supposed to be easy. So I pulled the "I don't really enjoy this anymore. Mom, I wanna quit." I did that over and over with EVERYTHING I ever tried. Things got hard. I quit. There even came a time, in high school, where school got hard...and luckily I didn't quit...but I decided that being popular was more important...because I was also good at that. I put all of my focus on my social life. Apparently, when you are in with the popular girls...you can make B's and an occasional C...and no one cares.

When I got to college, I heard a quote that stuck with me for a long time. I heard my dad say that someone we knew "sure knew about a lot of things but didn't know much about nothing". I couldn't quite shake that thought. For many years I had no idea why I kept that quote tucked deep down inside my soul. I felt a strange attachment to it. I sort of "got" it. I didn't like the fact that I got it. So I threw myself into my child development classes and I made a commitment to dedicate my life to the education of young children. I was determined to know a LOT about something dammit!!! I knew I could be really good at something I loved, right??

I majored in Child Development, got certified to teach elementary ed, and got a job right out of college teaching first grade. I worked for a few years, got married, had the first two kids, and then quit to be a stay-at-homer while the girls were little. ( I never forgot my commitment to young children, I just figured that being dedicated to my own was enough!!) Had a baby boy and baby boy made 3. I was sailing along just fine, focusing on the children and then my marriage started to get a little stale. The idea of being with the same person for the rest of my life caused a whole new kind of panic and anxiety. I tried to ignore the panic for a while but I eventually gave up the fight and divorce was inevitable. At the same time, being a stay-at-home mom was getting to be WAY harder than expected and I was wanting a change there too... so I went back to work part-time, delaying full-time work until divorce was final. While I was working part-time, I met Nick. Not long enough after that, Stella made 4. (He wants to get married and that scares me silly but that's a post for another day.)

When I had to go back to work full time, I ended up at the charter school where I am currently employed. My school has a great philosophy and a ton of potential. However, it is QUITE challenging to teach there. There are many special needs children and what I like to call "special needs parents". It's a multi-age school so I teach K-1-2! I don't even need to go into curriculum challenges for three grade levels. And guess what? This is my third year there and I am starting to get antsy...AGAIN.

So here's my dilemma now...I feel like quitting...A LOT. It's so hard. Some days it takes every ounce of energy I have and then when I finally get to be with my own four babes, I'm spent. Done. Too tired to talk. Some nights I literally cry myself to sleep.

On the flip side...I love actually teaching. I love to help children learn how to read, how to talk to each other, how to use conflict resolution skills effectively and see the benefits of that. I love love love those little angels that teach me so much about love and life and happiness.

If I do decide to quit, am I completely letting go of that promise I made in my early 20's? Am I a quitter again? Are my reasons for wanting to quit valid enough to actually quit and do something else?? Do I want to quit because, once again, it's gotten too hard for my comfort zone? Too challenging for my ego to deal with??

I love photography and people tell me I should do that professionally and sometimes I think I would LOVE that. I LOVE LOVE LOVE photography. But what happens when clients get demanding? What happens when trends change and it's hard to keep up? What if photography is just another gymnastics/ice skating/dancing experience?

Is it okay to be 40 and still wanna know what the hell I'm going to be when I grow up? Or is growing up simply learning how to commit? Do I need to grow up? Or do I need to move on?

Heavy sigh. Can you see why the quote below speaks to me?

Love and Fear

'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.'
- Marianne Williamson
A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

I stumbled across this quote once before and I love it so much. I am going to get that book tomorrow. Can't wait!

Giving Thanks...

I was a little stressed...OK...a lot stressed to have the Thanksgiving meal at our house this year. But in the end, everyone was happy, relaxed, and perfectly pleasant to be around!

I am thankful for my kiddos and my strangely blended family.
I am thankful for healthy food...and the fact that I learned how to enjoy Thanksgiving as a vegetarian. Never thought that would happen!
I am thankful for my clean house and all of the little helpers that made it that way...just because they knew it was important to me.
I am thankful for this day. A day off. A day of rest. A day to enjoy one minute at a time!

Happy Birthday Finn!!

If I had to call one of my children a WILD CHILD...this would be the one. He is smart and funny and oh so energetic. He talks non-stop. I mean NON STOP. His blue eyes sparkle when he's happy and when he is sad...there is nothing more pitiful. He is also my very sensitive little guy. He doesn't understand why anyone would be mean...ever and he gets crushed when someone is unkind to him. Lucky for him, everyone seems to love him!! His excitement for life is quite contagious!!

Happy birthday to you my little love bug. I love you to the moon and around the world and back.

Focus

I have had a hard time seeing clearly the last couple of months. It seems as if everything has been slightly out of focus. I have been extremely frustrated with my attempts to get a clear, sharp image.
Fall is a time of great resistance for me. Even though it happens every year, I still can't seem to remember this time each year that my insanity is only a cyclical thing. ( I sure hope anyway!!) I dislike fall in it's beginning stages because I cannot seem to see the beauty that is there. I view it negatively and view it as a time of endings, departures and deaths. The end of summer brings great sadness for me as the days get shorter, the sun fades faster, the kids go back to school, and I go back to work. Fall also means that cold weather is lurking around the corner and adding a sluggish gray cast to my clear and sunny happy place.
This weekend I was finally able to snap out of it a little! On Saturday, we celebrated Stella's 3rd birthday at the park with friends. On Sunday, we carved our pumpkins and went on a fall photo walk. I had the most fun I've had in months!
While I still dread the thought of cold air moving in and taking over, I am going to try to be present and enjoy the crisp, cool fresh air of fall. I am going to try to see the beautiful colors while they last and I am going to try to spend lots of time outside while the weather is still inviting.
I think I can finally say, "Happy Fall ya'll" and mean it!

Happy Birthday Estella Grace!!

Happy birthday sweet little angel baby girl. Three years ago you made your debut in the most polite way possible. You came two weeks early because I was tired of waiting. You kept your weight down so that I might not feel the same stress and discomfort I did with those other three! You nursed well and slept well, so that I could finally, finally get some sleep at night.
Without ever knowing...you helped me to mend a hurt relationship by throwing charms of unending adoration and affection towards my daddy. (You had your Grandpa hooked as soon as you could reach for him. He ADORES you!)
You continue to add to our lives each day by reminding us that little things bring GREAT joy. Thank you for being you baby girl. You add just the right spice to our lives.

We love you so much!!!!