Saturday, January 16, 2010

What I believe right now...


I have been avoiding new posts because I have been waiting for some shiny, glittery moments of "ah ha!" brought on by my new word. My word and the positive attitude that will surely wash over me... and take hold of my life... at any. given. moment.

STILL WAITING.

I am a mess of January blues with a side of PMS and I do not like being with me right now. I do BELIEVE that this too will pass. Yes, I do. I am just really afraid it will pass with the winter season. And I guarantee you that damn groundhog will see his stupid shadow causing us to have 6 extra weeks of winter. Hahaha. OK. Sense of humor still in tact. I made myself laugh at how ridiculous that sounded. Hahaa.

Here's the thing...BOTH of my older girls are growing up and they are breaking my heart in the process. Not that it's their fault. It's life. But it scares me silly and hurts my feelings. Hailey will be 15 on Feb. 1st. DID YOU HEAR THAT??? 15. How in the hell can I be old enough to have a 15 year old?
Maddy will be 12 on January 29th. That KILLS me too. Because my Maddy is so very social that her friends are quickly becoming her family BECAUSE THEY SEE HER MORE THAN I DO.

I remember my mother saying that she wanted to bottle them when they were 2 or 3. Now I know why. It goes by too quickly and you just can't get it back. And while I also BELIEVE in all of the beauty that comes with growing up and becoming more independent, I feel the need to mourn the loss of my babies as well. I BELIEVE that I will find a way to give them the space they need AND spend good quality time with them...but right now, I just want to turn the tables and I want to follow THEM around the house and call their names 100 times. I want to follow THEM to the bathroom and look irritated when they tell me they want privacy. I want to ask THEM a million questions about life...because I'm afraid...before long...they won't need me like that anymore. And that hurts my heart a whole lot.

So for now, I'm going to pout a little. And I guess it will get better eventually.

3 comments:

gman's_mom said...

OH my goodness. I sooooo feel your pain on this. Greyson is getting older and I so miss my little boy. My 3 year old boy that was so so needy. Granted he is still needy but not quite the same. Hugs to you my friend. Time can seem so cruel at times when it seemingly passes at light speed. Oh just to have those moments back sometimes... <3

kendalee said...

Oh I feel your sadness here. I don't have children but I can imagine this is a really difficult phase. Ironically, the better the mother, the more independent the children are likely to be... And so your lovely girls are a testament to you. All I can say is that even now, in my 40s there are times I still feel like I need my mother as if I were 4! That bond is never truly broken even if it's sometimes stretched... :)

As for winter - yurggh - I'm so with you on this! This is the worst time of year for me too... SO ready for it to be over and so long 'til it will be. And I'm not even sure I've held on to any sense of humour about it now that the snow's gone and we've reverted to grey and wet. Just waiting it out with teeth clenched.

Hope you're keeping toasty!

Wildflower Studio (Michelle Dransart) said...

Yes, this too shall pass, I promise! And I am so not looking for ward to those teen years, Yikes!!!
Hang in there! Its bound to get better, friend!