Loss.

I am going to go ahead, write about it, and move on. That's what I do these days. I move on. Life just keeps going on...and on....and on. And I guess that's the way it should be.

I was pregnant with a little tiny baby boy and I lost him on May 17th. I was only 14 weeks pregnant. It's a strange amount of time, really. I was pregnant long enough for it to sink in, long enough to feel pregnant. I knew he was a boy from conception on. Sometimes, you just know.
I also knew he was not ok. Not sure how I knew that too...but I did. I didn't want to go to the doctor. I almost waited until my first trimester was over...but I guess curiosity got the best of me. I think I knew it was time to find out what was really going on.

I found out by 12.5 weeks that my baby boy had Down Syndrome and they were pretty sure he had a serious heart condition too.

I spent many hours on the computer reading about Downs babies...how to care for them, what problems he might have to live with. I guess heart problems and Downs go together pretty frequently. I was given the option of termination and I was frantically trying to figure out what to do with myself and my other 4 children and Nick. Nick and I were so sad and hurt that we could barely look at each other without crying. Do we wait and see what they say about the baby's heart? Do we consider termination? I kept spotting and I had a feeling I would never carry to term for one reason..or another. We had many heart wrenching, soul searching moments with our parents...his brothers...my sisters...and God.

My baby boy died before I ever really knew him. But I miss him. I felt him, ya know? I knew he was there. Now he's gone and part of me is still feeling a little empty. Even though ... Nick is still working late, Maddy is still playing soccer, Hailey's going to gymnastics, Stella is still sick, Finn is STILL working on school projects, and I am still going to work...trucking on through the last days of our school year. Life goes on.

Happy Friday!!!

I am not sure I've ever been so happy to see Friday! Welcome weekend. I love you and I sure have missed you!

Letter about Maddy...

ok. all is forgiven. hahaha Here is a copy of an email that Maddy's coach's wife sent to us....VERY SWEET.

Our soccer championship awards party is set for Tuesday, June 1st. Needed time to get our video together and order some trophies for the girls. Maddy was a leader all weekend. She was hard on herself for missing a penalty shot at the end, but we won. She had hit one earlier in the game to get us there!!! She has been such a beautiful girl to get to know and of course, a phenomenal athlete. Thank you for encouraging her to come back and play with us again this season. Because of her intensity and leadership, Coach Roberts was able to finish his coaching career with a championship! Hope to see you at the party!

Karla

and sometimes....you WIN!!

Team getting ready...they are the "Dreaded Red"...and supportive sister Stella walks the sidelines thinking, "here we are again".

Boyfriends watch from the side lines. (one in the middle with the orange backpack is Maddy's...you know..."friend")

My little number 11 (always number 11) playing her heart out.

Maddy assists, Megan scores a beautiful goal, and they celebrate!

Their championship moment.



This weekend was full of soccer. Semi Final game on Saturday and the Championship on Sunday.

Last year, Maddy's team made it to the championship...and lost. It was their only loss all last season. Kids were pretty heartbroken. Maddy had to play in last season's championship game after having a bout with Pneumonia and losing 8 pounds. She put a lot of pressure on herself and really felt that some of her mistakes caused their loss.

Man...the lessons that come while playing sports! We've had many talks about sportsmanship and having fun and lessons that can be learned from losing. We've talked about the power of the team and how one player can't make or break a game. But here's the thing...her coach puts a lot of pressure on her sometimes. He pulled her aside last year and basically told her to do whatever she had to to score. Now usually her coach isn't like that...he's taught her so much and has been really great most of the time...but I think the heat of fierce competition of a championship game got to him. And he put a whole lot of pressure on my little 11 year old.

This year, Maddy's attitude has been great. The team has grown a LOT together and Maddy no longer has to be the lone scorer. While last year she scored an average of 3 goals a game...this year she had games when she didn't score at all. AND she was FINE with that after the first couple of games. She knew in her heart that she was playing well, had really gotten better, faster and stronger along with all of her other teammates. I think she felt a calm sense of relief, to tell you the truth, and she was able to really have fun playing soccer.

SO yesterday we won our semi final game. And then today, for the championship, we had to face the same team we lost to last year. We were also going into the game having lost to them once already this year. The girls were so happy and pumped up. They went into the game thinking..."hey I would love to win, but this team is really good, so let's play our best and see what happens..."
BUT lo and behold, the coach wanting to win desperately because it was his last season to coach, pulled Maddy aside again. Gave her the "hog the ball if you have to just score" speech.

Maddy is 12 now. A full year older and wiser. She listened respectfully and then got out on the field and played ball the best she could. She passed, she assisted, she scored once, and we tied the game. Had to play two over times. Each team had to take 5 penalty shots. Maddy was 5th up and could have won the game because the other team had gone first and missed. Maddy didn't make her penalty shot. GASPS rang out on our side and cheers on the other. Maddy cried..tried really hard not to....but I saw her wiping tears. My heart hurt. Now it was time for "sudden death" shots. First team to get one extra shot...wins the game. Other team sent their player up first. She missed. Maddy's best friend Bella, who has never made a penalty shot before, was up next. SHE MADE IT. WE WON THE GAME!!!!!!!! WE all screamed. We were so happy. And then Maddy's coach said to her, "Thank goodness Bella saved your butt."

EX FREAKING CUSE ME. Bella saved HER butt?? Was he saying that it would have been her fault if Bella had missed and we had lost??? How exactly did Bella save Maddy's butt?? What about helping the whole team win?? He did remember that two other girls besides Maddy missed their shots too...right?? Does he have a clue what a comment like that could do to a 12 year old girl??? I'm so glad I didn't hear him say that or I would have said something in anger, embarrassed myself, and I may have even upset Maddy. Luckily coach's wife heard and set him straight REAL quick and he apologized a few minutes later. I guess competition can do really strange things to people. (I should know...I screamed and yelled like a middle school cheerleader the whole game. But I didn't say ANYTHING negative. Promise.)

So when Maddy should have been lost in a glorious moment of screams and squeals...she was starting to crumble and beat herself up. She had a really uncomfortable look during most of the celebratory chaos. I was terrified she would let what he said get to her and fall into a bad mood...sad, upset, even angry at us...for you know...not fixing it for her...or saving her from her coaches words...or something like that. I wouldn't have blamed her.

BUT do you know what she said as we discussed the game? She said, "I'm really happy Bella got that shot. I'm disappointed that I missed mine, but I'm really glad Bella got the winning goal. Did you see how happy her Dad was?? I think he cried." She was happy and she really was happy for Bella.
We were all so relieved. We all laughed. We talked about some of the team's great moments. And she has been happy ever since.

I'm not always sure how I feel about team sports. In most ways, I think it's soo good for Maddy. She is so athletic and it gives her an outlet she desperately needs. Other times, I feel sad and stressed about the competitive pressure. And I know that with age...it's only gonna get worse. Oh well. Season is over!! Time for a break.

Sometimes you win...sometimes you lose. But today, they played their sweaty little hearts out...and they won. And it definitely feels good to win sometimes.

Rainbow Saturday

Hailey...my gymnast!
Maddy and her bff!!
Stella and her homemade icecream!

Finn opts for Ben and Jerry's with rainbow gummies.


And Stella...aka...LoverGirl. Finn created this super hero character just for her. She has the power to bring love wherever she goes. She can make any enemy crumble by simply gazing her love eyes his/her way. (Finn is writing a book about his little sidekick now. Stay tuned...I'm sure it will be good and you KNOW I'll post when he's finished!)

I have had a great time with color this week. As you may have noticed...it's people that color my world. I love capturing the many different faces of children. I am not so great at nature and other inanimate type objects. It's people that draw me in and hold my attention. (I think my life may feel calmer if I'd learn to focus on nature some!! For now...it's the houseload of little goodies that inspire me.)

Hope you all have a RAINBOW kind of day. Love to all. Suzy

GO GREEN!!

I love green. I see it and feel it way more intensely than most other colors! To me...green is the perfect combination of warm sunny yellow and cool water blue. LOVE IT.

Purples!

I had a hard time with purples this year! Didn't get to get out and search as much as I'd like!! I really love purple though. Definitely one of my favorite colors!

Yellow Wednesday!

Tuesday Bluesday

These blues don't get me down at all!!

REDS AND PINKS!

I am having a rough week already, but I do LOVE color week so I am determined to participate. I had to pull a couple of these from my older photos! Happy week to all!!

COLOR WEEK starts TOMORROW!!

I am getting very excited thinking about COLOR WEEK! As usual, this colorful week was inspired by CuriousGirl. Here's how the week will go.....

monday, may 17th: all shades of reds (including pink)
tuesday, may 18th: all shades of blues
wednesday, may 19th: yellows and/or oranges
thursday, may 20th: purples
friday, may 21st: all shades of greens
saturday, may 22nd: rainbow/multi and/or whites/greys

IF you wanna participate.....come on and join in!

My Littlest Angel

I was looking at Stella's long curly hair this morning. It seems like two minutes ago she looked like that little angel up there. Too fast!! Slow down! Your are growing up WAY too fast!!
She's hanging with my mom today and I REALLY miss her!!

HeavyHeart

I have been trying to decide if I want to write about this. I am sort of tired of talking about it. But if it can help in some way...I think it's worth the tears it will take to get it all out.

I have known since conception that something was different about this pregnancy. I have been pregnant many times. 4 children and a miscarriage have given me some good solid experience on which to base my opinions on fertility and growth within. From the beginning...something felt different to me. Not physically. Mentally and intuitively.

I didn't really want to go to the doctor this time. Every other time, I have jumped at the chance to get in there and hear that things were normal. This time, I put if off until I was almost finished with my first trimester.

I've been sick a lot this time. Not nauseated. Flu-like sick. Sore and tired and headachey.
I finally went to the doctor last week and I have been in an emotional vortex ever since. I had the first ultrasound on Wednesday of last week. The technician didn't mention anything but Nick and I both got weird feelings. I thought the baby looked a little different and didn't move as fluidly as my other babies. Nick felt the technician was way too quiet. Crackle-in-the-air quiet.

I got a call on Thursday that the doctor had some concerns. I was sent for a Level II US and a CVS. (basically an early Amnio)

I have been told that this sweet little baby is probably not OK. I have only about a 25% chance of delivering a "normal" baby. There is a 75% chance that the baby has a genetic disorder like Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18. If the genetic tests come back showing no genetic disorders, my odds change to 50% chance of a major heart condition.

The baby has a large collection of fluid behind the neck and around the brain.

I cannot begin to tell you how quickly my emotions shift gears. Some moments I feel hopeful and happy and other moments are filled with sadness and despair. More than anything, I feel a HUGE amount of helplessness. There is nothing I can do right now...but wait.

Lovin the Sullivans AND PhotoShop!!

I got the pleasure of shooting a new family last week! Here are some of the images....still working on lots! OH MY GOD...I LOVE PHOTOSHOP. Not sure how I've lived so long without it. I love how much I am learning about photography...still...after years of taking classes, etc. I can't wait for the day when I can proudly say, "I'm a photographer" without feeling like a fake...or like I'm not good enough. I'm starting to get more confidence. (and photoshop is seriously helping!!)