Saturday, May 29, 2010

Loss.

I am going to go ahead, write about it, and move on. That's what I do these days. I move on. Life just keeps going on...and on....and on. And I guess that's the way it should be.

I was pregnant with a little tiny baby boy and I lost him on May 17th. I was only 14 weeks pregnant. It's a strange amount of time, really. I was pregnant long enough for it to sink in, long enough to feel pregnant. I knew he was a boy from conception on. Sometimes, you just know.
I also knew he was not ok. Not sure how I knew that too...but I did. I didn't want to go to the doctor. I almost waited until my first trimester was over...but I guess curiosity got the best of me. I think I knew it was time to find out what was really going on.

I found out by 12.5 weeks that my baby boy had Down Syndrome and they were pretty sure he had a serious heart condition too.

I spent many hours on the computer reading about Downs babies...how to care for them, what problems he might have to live with. I guess heart problems and Downs go together pretty frequently. I was given the option of termination and I was frantically trying to figure out what to do with myself and my other 4 children and Nick. Nick and I were so sad and hurt that we could barely look at each other without crying. Do we wait and see what they say about the baby's heart? Do we consider termination? I kept spotting and I had a feeling I would never carry to term for one reason..or another. We had many heart wrenching, soul searching moments with our parents...his brothers...my sisters...and God.

My baby boy died before I ever really knew him. But I miss him. I felt him, ya know? I knew he was there. Now he's gone and part of me is still feeling a little empty. Even though ... Nick is still working late, Maddy is still playing soccer, Hailey's going to gymnastics, Stella is still sick, Finn is STILL working on school projects, and I am still going to work...trucking on through the last days of our school year. Life goes on.

6 comments:

Monique said...

That post of yours that I read a two weeks ago haunted me. Every now and again your story would pop into my head and I wondered what decision you would make or what would happen next. Thankyou for sharing such a heart wrenching moment in your life. You seem strong beyond measure and in time I hope your heartache and also that of your family will heal. Somehow we dig into the depths of ourselves to find the omph to keep going.

Sending my warmest thoughts

Monique

Vibrant Believer said...

You are an amazingly, brilliant woman with an amazing family to support you, and a heart of gold. i know I am blessed to have you in my life and even though your life may be falling apart at the seams you will continue to live on, and keep "trucking" through life. Your family has been blessed to have you as a support system and now is their time to support you.... My thoughts and prayers are always with you, Nick, and the kids.

Thanks so much for sharing your story... I'm sure it will help others through times of hardship.

Sending healing hugs and many prayers,
Trista

Theodora Hermes said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and read this post... I am very sorry for your loss. It does not matter how old a child is--we can still feel the weight of his/her presence and their life matters. Thanks for sharing your story.

Deborah Estelle said...

Awwhhh sweetie! :( I feel so sad to hear about this. I agree with the other posters you seem so strong, resilient and beautiful!!! I am glad you have the support of your family and have taken a moment with God. I pray that the empty place be filled, again, with joy and even though you will never "get over it" so to speak that you, as you said, find the continued strength to move forward. Blessings!

Jen Hunter said...

(((Suzy)))
Wish I could wave my magic wand and fix it all.

gman's_mom said...

Breaks my heart for you guys...just breaks my heart.