Tuesday, May 11, 2010

HeavyHeart

I have been trying to decide if I want to write about this. I am sort of tired of talking about it. But if it can help in some way...I think it's worth the tears it will take to get it all out.

I have known since conception that something was different about this pregnancy. I have been pregnant many times. 4 children and a miscarriage have given me some good solid experience on which to base my opinions on fertility and growth within. From the beginning...something felt different to me. Not physically. Mentally and intuitively.

I didn't really want to go to the doctor this time. Every other time, I have jumped at the chance to get in there and hear that things were normal. This time, I put if off until I was almost finished with my first trimester.

I've been sick a lot this time. Not nauseated. Flu-like sick. Sore and tired and headachey.
I finally went to the doctor last week and I have been in an emotional vortex ever since. I had the first ultrasound on Wednesday of last week. The technician didn't mention anything but Nick and I both got weird feelings. I thought the baby looked a little different and didn't move as fluidly as my other babies. Nick felt the technician was way too quiet. Crackle-in-the-air quiet.

I got a call on Thursday that the doctor had some concerns. I was sent for a Level II US and a CVS. (basically an early Amnio)

I have been told that this sweet little baby is probably not OK. I have only about a 25% chance of delivering a "normal" baby. There is a 75% chance that the baby has a genetic disorder like Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18. If the genetic tests come back showing no genetic disorders, my odds change to 50% chance of a major heart condition.

The baby has a large collection of fluid behind the neck and around the brain.

I cannot begin to tell you how quickly my emotions shift gears. Some moments I feel hopeful and happy and other moments are filled with sadness and despair. More than anything, I feel a HUGE amount of helplessness. There is nothing I can do right now...but wait.

6 comments:

curious girl (lisa) said...

oh wow...i am so sorry to read this. i'm thinking about you and your little one.

i know it's hard to blog about sad things, but i really think that's the beauty of blogs...the connection and the process and putting it all out there in the universe.

kendalee said...

Oh my, I don't really know how to respond except to say that I'm so sad and sorry to read that you're going through this, and that I'm thinking of you and your family. What a hard, hard thing to deal with. I know it doesn't change anything, but my heart goes out to you... it goes out to you.

Jen Hunter said...

(((Gentlest of Hugs)))

Barefoot from Heaven said...

My dearest Suzy I'm still very very still and my eyes are filled with tears for you, your husband and your little new baby.
Like the others what can I say, there simply are no words that can cross the miles we are apart to ease your heart even just for a little. If only my arms were long enough to reach out for you and give you the warmest biggest softest hug ever.
I'll send out much prayers so God will ease your days to come.
Thank you so much for sharing this deep and profound story that goes straight through the heart.
Love Dagmar and special kisses from my heart to yours......

gman's_mom said...

Hugs to you my friend. You are one wonderful woman and mother. You stay in our thoughts with much love and good energy poured your way. <3

Monique said...

Just popped in to look at your colour week and scrolled down to this post. My heart goes out to you and your family at this heart wrenching time. I have a friend friend who went through this last year but unlike you she didn't do the scans and found out when the babe was born. You have this time to prepare yourselves, to find the strength to mange and cope with whatever may be greet you.

Warmest thoughts your way Suzy