Loss.

I am going to go ahead, write about it, and move on. That's what I do these days. I move on. Life just keeps going on...and on....and on. And I guess that's the way it should be.

I was pregnant with a little tiny baby boy and I lost him on May 17th. I was only 14 weeks pregnant. It's a strange amount of time, really. I was pregnant long enough for it to sink in, long enough to feel pregnant. I knew he was a boy from conception on. Sometimes, you just know.
I also knew he was not ok. Not sure how I knew that too...but I did. I didn't want to go to the doctor. I almost waited until my first trimester was over...but I guess curiosity got the best of me. I think I knew it was time to find out what was really going on.

I found out by 12.5 weeks that my baby boy had Down Syndrome and they were pretty sure he had a serious heart condition too.

I spent many hours on the computer reading about Downs babies...how to care for them, what problems he might have to live with. I guess heart problems and Downs go together pretty frequently. I was given the option of termination and I was frantically trying to figure out what to do with myself and my other 4 children and Nick. Nick and I were so sad and hurt that we could barely look at each other without crying. Do we wait and see what they say about the baby's heart? Do we consider termination? I kept spotting and I had a feeling I would never carry to term for one reason..or another. We had many heart wrenching, soul searching moments with our parents...his brothers...my sisters...and God.

My baby boy died before I ever really knew him. But I miss him. I felt him, ya know? I knew he was there. Now he's gone and part of me is still feeling a little empty. Even though ... Nick is still working late, Maddy is still playing soccer, Hailey's going to gymnastics, Stella is still sick, Finn is STILL working on school projects, and I am still going to work...trucking on through the last days of our school year. Life goes on.