Tuesday, February 10, 2009
I am not exactly sure what is going on in my head these days. I am acutely aware of the fact that whatever this is...will evolve into something...just not sure what. My intuition is acting a bit like a tracking device gone bonkers. I keep getting these weird feelings about "things" and then I will obsess about potential outcomes. I need to use that inner tracking device to find some inner peace because right now all I seem to feel is STRESS.
I sort of got lost in a store the other day. I went in for some "shop therapy". I didn't really want to buy anything I just wanted to clear my head and have time to NOT think. I wanted to browse and search through stuff to see if I could find anything that I desperately wanted or HAD to have. All the while telling myself not to think too much...just be impulsive. (I used to have to stay OUT of stores for this very reason.) It worked out well! After wandering around aimlessly for a very long time, I found some china that I LOVE! I have loved this china for a while so I was able to ease the old woman in me by telling her that it wasn't really ALL that impulsive. Anyway, they had a whole pile of them so I bought 8 dinner plates and 8 salad plates.
As soon as I left the store my buyers/spenders remorse kicked in and I stressed the whole way home. I let it go shortly after I got them on the table though.
Soon after my little spending spree I started to try to put all of my recent feelings/dilemmas/ intuitive responses together to try and figure out the common denominator. The only thing I came up with is my strong urge to "nest" right now.
I want everyone at home...all together safe and happy. I keep envisioning all of us at home, eating together, talking and laughing. I keep having thoughts of another baby...lord knows I don't need one of those. My kids are growing up too fast and I want to spend more time with them. I am turning 40 this year and I swear I feel like the Grimm Reaper is starting to call for me. I feel sort of midlife cisisish. I don't want to work full time because I really have no choice and you KNOW how green and lush the grass is over there!!! AND these beautiful days have given me an awful case of Spring Fever. All of that translates into a pile of panic. And the need to be with close friends and family.
To get through all of this stress, I am going to indulge my need to nest. I am going to try to cook...yes after work...and keep the house clean...in spite of work...and take care of my babes whether they are all home or not. I am going to use my new dishes and light candles and wash them without complaining. I am going to wash 9000 loads of clothes each night and fold them after the kids are asleep...without a single grimace. And I am seriously going to try and enjoy every "free" moment I stumble across.