HAPPY SWEET 16th

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Hailey had a great birthday this year.  She even wrote me a note telling me so.  It was very sweet and heartfelt, too.  I love that girl.  I love that last picture up there because it speaks LOADS about her personality.  She NEVER wants center stage.  She gladly hands that off to her siblings.  She would rather just kind of blend in with the crowd!  She loves to be around people and she loves to laugh...but she doesn't ever want to be the center of attention for more than a second or two.   (yes that it stella opening one of hailey's presents.)

She's still doing her gymnastics too!  I need to get new photos of her new routines.   I will post those soon!  I've written a few times about her anxiety and her beam "situation" the last couple of years.  She seems to be slowly overcoming her fear of the beam and she got an 8.95 at her last meet.  THAT IS HUGE.   I wasn't even there to see it.  Her Dad had to tell me all about it.  I cried, of course.  I was sooo happy for her.   She was kinda beaming  (haha) when she came home.  She ended up taking 5th place on beam and 5th place on bars. Yeehaw!! 
ANYWAY....all in all, her 16th year is starting out in a FANTASTIC way. 

Happy Birthday Hailo!!  You have taught me soo much about being a Mom and perhaps most importantly...about how to listen.  I love you to infinity.  I won't write all of the mushy stuff in this space...i wrote it in a letter to you instead.  Thanks for you being you kiddo.  You are my sunshine.
 (and the most courageous person i know!)

Happy 13th!

happy birthday

to my

fun lovin,

smart talkin,

basketball playin,

point scorin,
deep thinkin,

wake forest lovin,

good grades makin,

soccer playin,

goal makin,
Jesus lovin,
nail bitin

social butterflyin,

LITTLE

ANGEL.

(I hope your day is as MAGICAL for you as your day of birth was for me!

I love you to the moon. 

 My life is soo much better with you in it!)

Reflections Refracted

Above you can see two different photos of a prism sort of thing that allows you to see many different shots of the same frame.  This is how my brain is working today.

Both of my older girls have birthdays coming up.  Big ones.  13 and 16.  16!!!  Goooood Lord I don't know how this has happened.  I have been inwardly emotional for weeks.  I'm so excited about their birthdays!  We have lots of plans and the girls are happy and excited.

But my brain keeps seeing shots of them...images...refracted.  An image of Hailey at age 5 or Maddy at age two.  Then the image will break off and shoot directly to another image of their childhood.  I keep seeing their sweet childlike faces spread throughout the halls of my brain.  Then I feel the those gripping tugs at the apron strings start to loosen and become less frequent.  It's scary.  I look around and wonder where those children went?!! 

And I keep wondering....have I prepared them?  Are they ready?  Am I ready???

I am constantly writing a letter in my mind...trying to contain my ocean of emotions into a legible document that I can give to my oldest daughter on her 16th birthday.   All of those infant moments when I wished she was old enough to talk to me and tell me what was going on in her head.  All of the milestones...words, steps, cartwheels, kips, grades, friends, new grips, school projects, new leos, braces, gym meets, braces off, driver's ed, discussing colleges!   Everything leading up to this moment. 

My first born baby is 16.  (and that 2nd angel baby is 13)

My girls are growing up.

Heavy sigh.  I can only imagine what high school graduation will do to me!!

One WORD Wednesday

adventure!

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."

Albert Camus

Snowy Days Around Here

While we are thrilled to have a couple of days off, I am really starting to worry about making these days up later!  I guess we should just enjoy the time and not worry about that right now!!

These two are so happy to be home!  They wanted snow so much that they slept in inside-out pjs, put spoons under their pillows AND made up their own snow dance!!  I guess it all paid off!!  We've had snow, freezing rain, sleet and ice. 

MEANWHILE...Hailey has been to the gym everyday in preparation for her gymnastics meet in Las Vegas!  She missed all of last week so I HAD to get her to the gym this week.  Driving has been pretty scary but we have managed so far. ( I am so excited about the trip to VEGAS though.  I can't wait to take pix out there!  )

Maddy is quite irritated by this weather because one of her basketball games was cancelled.  And she isn't real happy about Vegas either.  I have to miss one of her games while I'm there.  Plus she really wanted to go, too.  I sure wish I could take them all with me.  (I have never been away from Stella for 2 whole nights.  It makes me sick to think about it.  So I'm not gonna...for now anyway!)

Hope all of you out there are staying warm and enjoying this cold weather!
(i'm ready for spring!)

Reflection

This photo says many things about my relationship with this sweet little girl.  I have many photos of her deep in thought, or dreaming, or concentrating.  I loved watching her gaze out the window and I imagined that she was wishing on stars that New Year's Eve night. 

As I started to take her photo, I noticed my reflection in the window and decided to change the frame a bit.  I liked being in there with her.  Sometimes I really think I can read her mind.

We've been fighting a bit...she and I.

The biggest problem is mine not hers. 

I see a whole lot of myself in that little girl.  A whole lot.  The dreams and the fears.  I push her to be her best at the things she loves to do because I know that the choices she makes while she's young can follow her for the rest of her life. 

 I don't want her to give up because I always just gave up. 

 I don't want her to quit because I quit a lot of things.  (mostly because i didn't feel good enough.) 

 I have given her a hard time lately about not being focused on her sports. 

But she's almost 13, she's worried about boys and friends, and the fact they are all watching her play basketball for her school. 

(can't you remember worrying about everything at that age??) 

She's got a whole lot going on. 

So I tried to get back in touch with the 13 year old child that used to live in my body oh so many years ago and I asked her what she would want me to do. 

And that little girl said,

"Just accept her. 

And love her. 

And support her decisions. 

Only give sports advice if she asks for it. 

Always, always be compassionate. 

And if she is arguing with her friends,

ask how she feels about it

and not what she did.

 Don't make assumptions and don't judge. 

She's still a child and she needs your support above all."

(and that little girl inside my head didn't want to shut up...)

Finally, she added

 "AND the bottom line is...she's not you!" 

She's her own wonderful person with her own life and her own decisions.  I'm here to facilitate the growth and teach what I can.  I get to watch her do all kinds of things I never did! 

And the success is in her happiness NOT her performance.

*****

So grow on!..... you little wild flower you! 

You be you! 

I love you just the way you are kiddo.

sleepy babies

Finn and Maddy.  Getting along.  :)

LOVE

Word for 2011...

My word for 2011 is..........FEARLESS.  I'm tired of being afraid.  I'm tired of worrying that I'm not good enough, don't know enough, that my photos aren't good enough, that I am not teaching the kids enough, that I don't work hard enough, that I'm screwing my kids up somehow.  Every single thing that gets me down and holds me back is based on fear.  This year, I choose to recognize the fear, step right over it and MOVE ON PAST IT. 

NO FEAR!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Plowing Through...

I suppose there is something very magical about this time of year.  The end of the year.  The end of a decade!  It's especially magic-like when we get snow! 

 (we have never had a white Christmas before.) 

 It can also be a little depressing. 

I have been desperately trying to find time to write lately!  But every time I find a moment something else catches my attention.    I finally sit here, uninterrupted, and ready to roll.

The last couple of weeks have been up and down.  That is pretty normal around her during the winter holidays.  Kid's excitement, family issues, shopping to do, meals to plan, ornaments to make, presents to wrap, photo shoots to finish, cards to mail...the list goes on.  All of that excitement usually spirals out of control...and then...finally explodes!  By a day or so after Christmas, all is quiet, sad, and warzone-ish.  I used to HATE the day after Christmas when I was a child. 

Dead CALM  = Painful  and BORING

As an adult, however, I really kind of like it!  I feel a sympathetic sadness for the kids but MAN what a relief for us grown folk.  (I can hear the Halleluah Chorus right now!)  It's taken me 41 years but I finally get why the adults are so boring after the holidays. 

 THEY NEED A BREAK. 

 A vacation this time of year would be AWESOME.  I'm going to add that to my bucket list...Go on magical vacation day after xmas and return Jan 1st.  Or 2nd.  Or 3rd.  Whenever.

So anyway, now that I am older and have lost the ability to be bored, I have been thinking about this past year and the new year to come.  Last year, I chose a word to help guide me through the year.  My word was BELIEVE.  And you know what?? It WORKED.  I swear it did.   Belief makes things real.  2010 was the year I figured that out.  I didn't write about it as often as I promised, and I didn't think about it each and every week...or even every month.  But I truly believe it shaped my year in a positive way! (so it has to be true. because i believe it's true)

My new dilema is my new WORD for 2011.  Now that I have discovered the secret power of the chosen word, I feel the need to chose carefully, respectfully, and thoughtfully.  What word is calling out to me?  

I think that this year needs to be about ACTION.  I have done TONS of reflecting, waiting, watching, and listening.  (listening is the hardest for me..for sure.)  What word will keep me motivated and charged to accomplish all that I want to accomplish this year??

HERE are some of the things I hope to do:

1.  Turn this photo hobby into a real business...License and all.

2.  Get married.

3.  Work harder, better...make a difference.  My school kids don't need someone who half-asses it. 

      (lots of people at my school half ass it.  i don't wanna be one.)

4.   Cook dinner most nights of the week and be happy about it.  

5.   Stay creative...even through the yucky stuff.

6.   Be a good leader/role model.  (i want my kids to be proud of their mommy.)

7.   Go on a family vacation to the beach this summer.  ( and maybe one in the winter.    somewhere snowy.)
8.   Enjoy family time when we can get it. Make the time we do get to spend together memorable. (schedules are insane in the spring and fall)

I am sure there are other things too.  But this is all I can come up with for NOW. 

What will my new word be??  WHO KNOWS.  Stay tuned.  I have to figure it out by Jan 1st!

I hope  you are all enjoying your winter holidays!



Merry Christmas!

Love Notes from don Miguel Ruiz

This was the first email I read this morning and I thought I should share it!

Love coming out of you makes you happy. The Whole world can love you, but that love will not make you happy. What will make you happy is to share all the love you have inside you. That is the love that will make a difference.

Mortality Issues

I am having a hard time right now.  It's no real suprise because I lost a sweet friend on Sunday.  She is the mother of two of my students.  

When I first came to CCS, I was re-entering the teaching world after being a stay-at-home mom for about 6 years.  Ms. T was my first real support system.  She was the first parent to volunteer in my class that year.  She was a board member who wanted to see our little charter school succeed.  She was the first to give me the run down of how things seemed to be at this new school of mine.  She brought in snacks and supplies and she even did science experiments with the children about once a month.  She questioned my philosophy respectfully and shared her thoughts and concerns peacefully.  I grew to love her pretty quickly and depended on her  a lot.  That first year was a tough one for me, both professionally and personally.  I had a hard time leaving my kids and I had a hard time getting back into the academic flow.  I have often said I may not have survived that year without her support. 

My 2nd year was much better.  I still had her son in my class (I taught a 1-2 Multi Age class) and I still got to see her a lot.  But that was the year she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  As soon as she was diagnosed, her chemo started and we saw a little less of her.  She still sent emails of support and gratitude.  She never complained about her cancer and she never once let me know that it was more serious than some cases of cancer.   She took her chemo and wore her wig and volunteered whenever she had the strength.

My 3rd year, last year, I got to teacher her daughter!  Little A was in Kindergarten last year.  She'd visited my class so much with her Mama that she transitioned beautifully into Kindergarten.  Ms. T came in a lot at the beginning of the year but she had been given some bad news.  There was a spot in her neck now.  She said her faith was strong and she soon began her 2nd round of chemo.  We saw her less and less.  She was getting weaker and weaker.  At the end of the year, her son and daughter performed in the talent show.  She showed up with her whole family (her mom and dad too).  And I cried.  She barely had the energy to walk but she made it.  On the last day of school she hugged me and said, "Well, I made it another year!"  This was the first time she ever indicated that not making it was even possible.

As summer started I thought about her a lot.  In late July I woke up in the middle of the night one night and sat straight up in bed and thought, "Ms. T is going to die.  I can feel it."  I spoke with her before school started and she said in her ever positive voice, "It was a rough summer but I'm feeling better."

She missed the beginning of the year picnics and open houses this year.  So unlike her.  I know she hated missing all of that.  When I saw her husband and asked about her his response was, "Just pray Ms. Suzy.  Please just pray."  So I did.  A lot.

She held on for a long time but eventually her body and soul were too tired to keep it up.  She passed away Sunday morning at around 3am.  The children were both at school on Monday.  I managed to keep myself together while I worked with each of them.  I can't imagine losing my Mama.  And I'm 41.   

I will continue to work with her precious children every day that I can.  And I know that wherever she is....she's as happy about that as I am.  I loved her.  She was a great mom and a wonderful person. 

(I love you Ms. T!  I will miss you soo much.  And I have a favor to ask...while you're up there, will you check in on a little tiny baby boy for me?)

Now I am left with all kinds of fears.  I keep waking up in the middle of the night and checking on my kids.  I keep feeling anxious, like something isn't quite right and I can't figure out what it is. But what I have come to realize is that I feel a little guilty or something.  Because I am about as happy as I've ever been.  I have everything I need.  I feel soo fortunate, blessed, content.   And while I have been feeling so good about life, others are suffering out there.  And now, I'm feeling an overwhelming urge to help people who need it.  Where do I begin??

Holiday Fever

WE are THHIISSSSS excited about Christmas this year!!

Tree is up.  Lights are on.  It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas around here!!! 

 I have had a hard time trying to decide what to write about lately.  There are so many topics rolling around in my head.  Unfortunately, I can't seem to attach any really great words to any of these ideas of mine.  In the mean time, I will continue to illustrate little bits of our lives through photos! 

 I have been on some kind of wild roller coaster ride throughout the fall, and things are starting to settle again.  A little.  I think.

In a nutshell, here are some of the things that have happened in the last couple of months:

1)  got my first huge photo job (school photos.  arpx 160 kids) and survived!

2)  stella turned 4 and finn turned 9!

3)  maddy made her junior high basketball team!!  we think she's starting point guard!!

4)  told my stepfather all the reasons i've been mad at him for the last couple of years. 

    *yeah.  big one.  still haven't recovered completely*

5)  just lost a great friend (and parent to 2 of my students) to breast cancer.  she fought long and hard.

      it was her time.  and it sucks.  bad.

6)  i've had 4 photo shoots in the last 2 weeks.  very happy about that.

7)  got engaged.  officially.  :)

That's the big stuff. 

HAPPY DECEMBER!!