Wednesday, January 14, 2009


I have known for a while now that I have certain triggers...things that people say... that cut me to the core. You know the ones. Those comments that people make that cause your "pain body" to puff up and start swinging. Not too long ago I discovered that any comment, made by a loved one, questioning my mothering skills was too much for my pain body to handle. Sent that pain body flying right off the handle. Any suggestion that I might not be the best mom in the world, really hurts my feelings. Crazy, I know.

I spent my whole life wanting and waiting to be a mother. I majored in child development and became a teacher knowing the whole time that, in doing so, it would make me a fantastic mother. I felt like I was in training, preparing for motherhood from the time I was about 16.

Once Hailey was born, I learned very quickly that I didn't know shit. Seriously. All the training, books, babysitting, teaching in the world could not have prepared me for DAYS without sleep and a baby that needed me 24/7. Yet, I still seemed to know in my heart that I would always be able to figure out what she needed. With each child I've had, I have relaxed a little. I have succumbed to fact that I am in no way a perfect mother and that, in fact, there is no such thing. And I am okay with that. I realize that all children are different and that you can't actually parent them all the same way. I have learned to expect the unexpected...most of the time.

Something unexpected happened today. My child commented that the food I cooked for dinner was "nasty." The bowtie pasta with broccoli in a lemon garlic sauce...that she has had maybe 4/5 times before in her life and enjoyed...was just "nasty" and added, "why do you make me eat this all the time?" Hailey complains about food a lot.
Hailey is almost 14. The comment she made was not the unexpected part. The surprise was that I let that comment completely destroy me for a moment. My pain body was screaming, "nothing i ever do is good enough for you!!" I managed to remain fairly calm on the outside (fairly meaning it was fake) but on the inside I was fuming. My little smart-mouth teenager was able to talk down to me like mean old mother and shake her finger at that little child I used to be.
I wanted to smack that kid for a second. I don't know why it made me so upset. She's 14 and hormonal and showing me how independent she can be, right?.

Then I decided I needed to write for a minute. I knew that stupid pain body thing had to be involved. I still don't know the exact trigger or what it stems from but I am going to think about it some more. Something to do with not being good enough...that's all I know. And I still feel weird about it.
And the scarier question, how has my pain body taught her pain body to fight so well!? Oh lordy. Somewhere, somehow she probably feels inadequate as well. Sweet girl.

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